How did I do this to myself? Since I have started taking more action on my dreams, I've begun to notice when something I am doing is either increasing my energy or depleting it. A month ago, I came home from my sabbatical, to two full grocery bags full of mail. I am still not through all of it. The suggestion of a friend in BC was," get a paper shredder!"
All I wanted to do was fall in love with my life again, and the avalanche of unprocessed paperwork is now heavier than my former baggage. I DID fall in love with my life, now that I know my life is not about paperwork, finished or not. I have always been ill equipped to work for money on its own merit. Frankly, it has none. No matter how many times I plant a $1.00 bill in my garden, it never grows into anything but interesting compost.
In the local realm of balanced exchange, for example, I can make a yummy meal in exchange for a massage. My personal delight in-kind energy exchange is many times more than when I simply hand over pieces of paper that say "In God We Trust." I do trust in God, way more than all the paper and coin currency combined. In practical terms, though, I have elected to share a summer market booth with a non-profit entity, offering my gifts as an artist in the realm of body art. This is essentially a long term fundraiser. But it has a totally different feel than being a sole owner of a booth, which is what I did for 6 years at full personal expense. This change happened in the following way:
I have had no new income for 4 months, due to taking a health break, restructuring my business, and implementing changes to my own website. While transitioning the larger focus of my work into communications consulting, as well as designing and coordinating an educational program to deliver locally, a delay in my tax refund didn't permit me to purchase this season's booth slot. This is the first year I didn't do my own taxes, even though they were ready to do in January. I did my part ahead. I had planned well enough, or so I thought. Only this week is it all being signed and sent in to the IRS. I believe in being straightforward and keeping life simple. I have my doubts about the IRS.
For a few months I was congratulating myself for letting go of my pattern of doing "everything" concerning my business myself. There was immediate relief at the decision to hire a bookkeeper and an accountant. However, the stress of not having it done before now made for an interesting discipline in trusting my decision. I was tempted, but did not allow myself, to yank the reins of tax filing back into my own corral. Since the funds were not going to be available in time to meet my booth payment deadline, or mortgage for that matter, what could I do? Regroup. Revisit my intention for what my particular booth has been moving toward and allow something new to come to me. It was only after I surrendered "the way I have been doing it" that I realized I could still accomplish my goal by joining up with a non-profit. I've done short-term fund raising why not something long term? I can provide a weekly presence at the market, like before. We split the donations and we both achieve consistent exposure for the programs we are doing together. I like it.
The body art I do provides a family activity that enables people to linger at the market. Everything else offered is either awesome homegrown foods or handcrafted items for sale. Whether enjoying the body art activity itself, or watching a child get a face painting, people are connecting to each other at the booth. They are sharing information about potential events, school issues, places to eat, exchanging recipes or business cards and, occasionally, nursing a baby while another child is reading a book, waiting his or her turn. This is the life I envisioned sharing with my kids. Not the "I gotta work so you can eat" syndrome. I am awful at working at something I do not enjoy, so that someday, when the slave-driving gods are not cracking their whips, I can have a moment of fun. Hopefully without falling asleep and missing it entirely. Too many years running my own businesses and being able to have more control of my schedule has meant an availability to my children that defies the concept of "norm" in practice in my culture. Did I mention that I am learning how to pace myself and stop the workaholic tendencies? Work is meaningful to me, as it relates to a holistic life.
My own children have been learning to work in the art of local commerce these last several years. Initially home schooled in the early years, they are now in various school programs and doing exceptionally well in all areas. They have observed and participated in different aspects of the market booth experience all along: Setting up. Tearing down. Coordinating the flow of kids and reading stories aloud. Co-designing the marketing materials. Go-fering for my lunch or scouting the market for fresh produce to take home when our day is done. Or apprenticing, as one of my daughters has been doing, establishing her own style and clientele.
When my tush is planted on a stool and a person's chin is in one hand while the other is flourishing some color on a cheek or an arm, I am aware of one thing only: The moment of listening. If I'm paying attention, then I'm listening to a dream offered by the person in front of me. I am not calculating how much money I have to make that day or what it costs to purchase new supplies. Rather, an artful meditation is unfolding. My hands respond to the color and design requests of a child who is exploring another side of life. My ears hear the sounds of the market around me, but my heart is engaged in a practice, if you will. It is the practice of being present in the now.
When I consult with new people on their marketing for their business, an often missing element is that they have little experience with face to face commerce besides earning money from a job and spending money at a mall. Without a real, felt experience of being in some aspect of community services exchange, they can only guess at how to meet the needs of future clients or customers. Too much of our modern push for income is based on selling to people you will likely never meet, assuming what people might want or playing on common impulses mistaken as needs.
I have a prayer and meditation discipline, and it doesn't look like what is traditional or expected. I do have little space at home, to sit quietly and OM at will. My stack of spiritual books is close by. I cherish the time and space this represents. But anxieties about the economic transformations of the present still find me in my meditation space. However, when I am listening and engaged in art, there is no thought or impulse to make money. There is no thought to limit my life currency to the realm of paper currency. There are conversations to be paying attention to in my community. There are meals to make with my children. There are books to write, and gardens to create. With learning environments to design, and dogs to walk, and trees to plant, and musical instruments to play, and poems to compose, and friends to go for walks with, and sunsets and sunrises to catch, I am already rich.
I have lost all ability to translate my time and value to my family and community life into money. All I can imagine today is the work of my hands, across the span of my life, where money has passed and never stayed. What remains is the feel of fresh bread dough, and soil under my nails, and the handmade life I am living is as real as forever, and "love made visible". I understand money has its place. I suspect I will be responsible for a great amount of it before long. I just wanted to savor this moment when I know, beyond any doubt, again...that money will only ever be my willing servant and never my master.
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